The author reflects on their journey through addiction to nitrous oxide and the profound spiritual experience that altered their perception of reality. This transformation led to a deep exploration of the existence of God and the struggle to find evidence of divine presence, revealing the complexities of faith and personal truth.

• Nitrous oxide addiction became the unlikely trigger for a full-blown mystical experience, not just a chemical high.
• The experience converted a self-identified humanist into someone convinced of a real "god-shaped hole" underlying human suffering.
• The author stresses that gnosis (direct spiritual knowing) is inherently incommunicable, creating a painful gap between personal certainty and the inability to prove or share it with others.
• The piece frames addiction, despair, and divine encounter as intertwined, arguing that grace can emerge directly from the depths of self-destructive struggle.